Players: Top 10 NFL Lockout Money Saving Ideas
It is a bad economy and the NFL Lockout is a foregone conclusion. Despite the allegation of “progress” leading to this extension period, it’s very important that these NFL players take a long look at their budgets and find ways to both cut back and supplement their incomes during a prolonged NFL lockout.
With that in mind, I offer the NFL players my Top 10 NFL Lockout Money-Saving Ideas to help them manage through this difficult time.
Champagne tastes on a lockout budget?
Time to lay off of the Cristal for a while. Martini & Rossi Asti Spumante is at least 90% cheaper than the least expensive bottle of Cristal and you’ll still get just as trashed.
Lay-off the Posse.
Dudes, you know these guys are just hangers-on who are livin’ large off your hard work. You’ve seen how it’s done during the summer. It’s time to trim that roster down to say, oh… 53-men, just like NFL cuts. That’s still way more than enough lip-service telling you how great you are, how “you da’man” with a big grin and their hands out. Lose the entourage. You have enough mouths to feed with all of those children you’ve left in your wake.
Petition the Family Court for a Reduction in Child Support Payments.
Chances are, you’ve spread your seed far and wide across the country during your travels from game-to-game. You’re probably paying tens-of-thousands of dollars per month to the gold-diggers you’ve impregnated, be they one, two, three, four or more like some professional athletes are inclined to do. Of course, you probably should have petitioned the court for a downward child support modification 6-months ago with the backlogs in family courts across the country, but without income, even a few months of paying no child support because you aren’t getting paid would be a welcome relief. The NFL lockout by your bosses should be considered an involuntary reduction in income by the courts, but there are no guarantees.
Invest in a Box of Condoms.
A box of premium Trojan Magnum condoms (36 per box) costs about $20 on Amazon. The child support payment you prevent may be your own. $20 equals 36 different conquests without 36 different child support orders costing you most of your weekly paycheck during the season. Impregnating women all of the country isn’t a sign of manhood, it’s a sign of stupidity. Just ask Antonio Cromartie of the New York Jets. The cost savings will be tremendous considering you’ll probably be banging more chicks with all of the down-time you’ll have during the NFL lockout.
NFL Fans Crib Tours.
You can supplement your income by selling “NFL Player’s Crib Tours” during the NFL lockout. Interested fans can pay a premium to wake up at three in the afternoon in your home, go food shopping for the household in your Bentley, and then go club hopping with you into the wee hours of the morning with a gun jammed in his or her pants.
Wake up early, don your gear – we’re talking full pads, helmet, the whole get-up. Pick your favorite street and intimidate passers-by into tossing a few coins in your helmet to help you out during the NFL lockout. If Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens approached me with his forearm extended asking for money, he’d get whatever I had in my pocket thrown over my shoulder while I ran the other way.
Endzone Dance Lessons.
Open up a studio where you can teach children of all ages the latest endzone dance steps that are sure to land them on youtube, if not ESPN… at least not until they’re in the pros. It’s not annoying enough that they take what they see on their video games to the local park pick-up game. Let’em learn from the best.
Don’t Drink and Drive.
All intelligent life forms are well aware of the obvious reasons for not drinking and driving. Though governed by a confidentiality order, I’m sure players like Donte Stallworth or Leonard Little can tell you that paying off the family of a person you happen to kill when driving yourself home from the club probably requires 7-figures. It’s a small price to pay so that you can only serve a few days jail time for killing another human being, but something you can ill-afford to do during the NFL lockout.
Trade-In Your Golden Teef.
With gold prices over $1,400 per ounce and silver prices just over $35 per ounce, it’s easy to see just how much money you can save by selling your gold teef now and trading them in for silver teef. Silver teef look pretty cool, too, and a greater than 97% discount, you can still have a gleaming smile even if you aren’t getting paid during the NFL lockout.
“Make It Rain” With Spare Change
When you’re in the club with your crew, instead of bringing trash bags with tens-of-thousands of dollars in $1-bills – bring in bags of quarters. Aside from the fact that quarters are 75% less costly that dollars, they’re a lot heavier meaning that you’ll bring less of them into the strip-joint. Sure, the strippers are likely to feel like they’re caught in a hail storm, but you’ll probably see a whole lot more jiggling as they try to dodge’em. Win-win!
Here’s an 11th suggestion:
Get the Frigging Deal Done.
You and the owners should be ashamed of yourselves. Seriously. I’m siding with you guys, but for criminy’s sake – get the f**king deal done so we can all move on.