Thanks to David Utter and Simply Fired, we’ve got our hands on some super-secret emails that shed a great deal of light on the behind the scenes events taking place these past few days. Why did Big Tuna fire the Dolphins GM, Randy Mueller? Is there a reason Matt Millen was so quick to relieve Mike Martz of his duties? How about Kansas City GM Carl Peterson? Does he have some ace up his sleeve that’s helping him keep his job? And what about Brian Billick? Did Ray Lewis have anything to do with Billick’s release?
Now before I reveal some of the contents of these “leaked” emails, you should probably understand that THESE ARE IN JEST… as if the Simply Fired link didn’t give it away. Before I go, I’ll reprint a couple of these to give you a better idea of what might’ve went down with your favorite team:
The Miami Dolphins:
From: Big Tuna
Subject: Your job
You drafted Ginn and Beck instead of Brady Quinn. The team finished 1-15. Bullethead wanted to take a contract out on you with one of these Jamaican drug gangs, but I think I talked him into just letting me fire you.
When security comes to escort you out, check for dreadlocks anyway. Chromedome might have changed his mind.
The Detroit Lions:
From: Teflon GM (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: Mike Martz (Ogenius@detroitlions.com)
Subject: See ya fall guy
Yeah, I know it would make more sense for Mr. Ford to have me dropped into the lake wearing nothing but a Ford pickup, but guess what? I get yet another free pass on a failed Lions season. Again. Hahahahahaha. Take your kid with you, b****. You’re fired. I’m not.
The Kansas City Chiefs:
From: Carl Peterson (email@example.com)
To: KC Chiefs fans
Subject: me and Herm ain’t leaving
Never underestimate the power of discreet photographs when it comes to dealing with ownership. So the Chiefs had their worst season since Jimmy Carter was in office. We fired some of the coaching staff, but me and Herm, we play to win the game, and the game is “keep our fat paychecks.” Don’t forget, season ticket prices go up next week.
Well, there you have it folks. Straight from the horse’s mouth… Hat-tip to Dave for pointing this out.